Shame, Scrupulosity, and the Exhaustion of Self-Policing

Anxiety does not always look like panic or worry. Sometimes, when anxiety is amplified by fear-based systems, it turns inward and becomes something more consuming. At its most intense, anxiety can resemble or develop into a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, often hidden beneath competence, productivity, and outward success.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is not about being organized or particular. Clinically, OCD involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive mental or physical behaviors (compulsions) meant to reduce distress or prevent something bad from happening.

The relief never lasts. The checking has to keep going.

When anxiety and fear are paired with moral or religious pressure, OCD can take on a very specific shape.

High-control organizations often rely on fear, certainty, and constant evaluation. These systems teach people to distrust their own instincts and outsource safety to rules, leaders, or rigid interpretations. Over time, that external control becomes internalized.

You no longer need someone watching you. You become the watcher.

This internal surveillance often shows up as scrupulosity.

Scrupulosity is centered on moral or religious fear. It involves excessive monitoring of thoughts, intentions, behaviors, and motivations to avoid sin, wrongdoing, or displeasing God.

It is not devotion. It is fear masquerading as faith.

Scrupulosity can look like:

• Constant mental checking

• Seeking certainty where none exists

• Reassurance seeking

• Fear of motives being wrong

• Confusing anxiety with conviction

• Never feeling settled or enough

And often, from the outside, everything looks fine.

What it looked like for me

From the outside, I looked capable. I held a job. I was creative. I mothered five children. I showed up. I functioned. I carried responsibility.

Inside, I was checking.

All the time.

The conversation in my mind never stopped.

"Is it okay for me to be here?" "Is God pleased with me right now?" "Or is he displeased, and I just do not know it yet?"

"How would I know for sure?"

"Is this conversation glorifying to God?" "Or is this gossip?" "Did I cross a line just now?"

"Are these workout clothes appropriate?" "Can I buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks?" "Would God still love me if it is a bougie drink?"

"Who is watching me?" "Why do I feel watched?"

"Are my children behaving correctly?" "They reflect me." "If they mess up, what does that say about my parenting, my faith, my worth?"

"Did I use my time well today?" "Did it matter eternally?" "Am I building the kingdom enough?"

"Did I take initiative in conversations so others could live like me?" "Was I bold enough?" "Zealous enough?"

"Was what I accomplished today enough?"

And when the answer was unclear, the checking started again.

Scrupulosity often sounds like a dialogue that never resolves.

"You should be sure." "But I am not sure." "Try harder." "Think again." "Recheck your motive." "Replay the conversation." "Confess it, just in case." "Fix it, just in case." "Repent again, just in case."

There is no rest in this system.

No settled peace.

No internal safety.

Just vigilance, fear, and exhaustion.

This is not a failure of faith. It is what happens when anxiety is fed by shame and certainty.

Shame tells you that your internal experience is dangerous or wrong. It teaches you to distrust yourself. The nervous system responds by becoming even more alert, more watchful, more rigid.

The very thing meant to keep you safe ends up trapping you.

Scrupulosity is not something to ignore, minimize, or spiritualize away. It deserves understanding, compassion, and real support.

Because underneath all the checking is not rebellion or pride.

It is a human being trying desperately to be safe, good, and loved.

And no one can think their way into rest.

Rest begins when the watching softens, the fear loosens, and the body learns it no longer has to be on trial.