Loving Without Losing Yourself
Love is one of the most misunderstood words we use. We associate it with sacrifice, loyalty, and putting others first—and while love can include those things, it becomes distorted when it requires the loss of ourselves.
I learned this lesson the hard way…
New England is world-renowned for its educational systems. While I lived there, I decided it would be prudent to further my education and get a master’s degree in counseling because, after all, it would benefit the organization. The churches could refer members for counseling that stayed aligned with their theology.
Graduate school came to an end, and I finished my supervision with Tom, a clinical supervisor the school hired to oversee students. As I sat in his office for the last time, he asked about my plans after graduation.
I told him I would need to ask my husband. He had such an important job and could not be asked to adjust his schedule or responsibilities to help manage the home or the children’s activities if I were to start working. I also volunteered (unpaid) for the church, and that would change if I launched my own career.
Tom leaned back in his chair, walked to one of his file cabinets, and pulled out a few stapled pages. He handed them to me and said, “Please look this over.”
It was an article by Melody Beattie, my favorite expert on codependency.
I sat frozen.
I was well-versed in her work. I had used her research in my own counseling sessions. And yet, in that moment, I realized Tom was handing me a mirror.
Was it really that clear?
Was I enabling terrible behavior from my husband and calling it love?
That moment was a turning point in my story—and in my understanding of love.
Codependency, as Melody Beattie defines it, is when our sense of worth depends on someone else’s wellbeing, approval, or stability. We give and give, often in the name of love, service, or faith—but underneath it all is fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being seen as selfish. Fear of not belonging.
Codependency looks like:
Constantly trying to fix or rescue others
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Avoiding conflict or boundaries to “keep the peace”
Neglecting your own needs and desires
It’s a painful paradox: in trying to be loving, we end up disappearing.
When we lose ourselves trying to manage others or control situations, we stop being present to our own life. Out of fear—or the need to belong—we abandon the one person we were entrusted to care for: ourselves.
And when we disappear, the world loses something too.
Because who you are—your gifts, your wisdom, your creativity—are needed.
The good news is that self-loss doesn’t have to be permanent. We can always return home to ourselves.
Here are some gentle ways to begin:
Start noticing your patterns.
When you feel that familiar urge to fix or smooth things over, pause.Ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t?” Awareness is the first step back to choice.
Reconnect with your body.
Codependency keeps us in our heads—constantly anticipating others’ needs. Somatic work invites us to drop back into our bodies.Try asking, “What is my body telling me right now?” Is there tightness, restlessness, or calm? Learning to listen to your body is learning to listen to yourself.
Let go of guilt.
Loving yourself is not selfish. It’s sustainable. It’s what allows you to love others well—without disappearing.Redefine love.
True love is not about control or caretaking; it’s about connection. When we know and trust ourselves, we can offer others the same freedom.
Loving well means loving with clarity, not compulsion.
It means you can be compassionate without losing your boundaries, supportive without abandoning your needs.
When you are rooted in self-awareness and self-respect, love becomes something honest, steady, and alive.
Because when you stop outsourcing your worth—you finally have something real to give.
