Responding vs. Reacting:Lessons from the Golf Course
Are you weary, confused? Does the world feel like it is on its side—or maybe just slightly tilted?
We live in a time of nonstop news, strange headlines, and ideas that leave us wondering how to process it all.
Where do we start?
Perhaps by asking ourselves: What is true of me? What do I believe? What am I willing to give up—or hold onto—for the sake of those beliefs?
Not long ago, I returned to the golf course with my playing partner after a long break. The weather was perfect, and the humor lighthearted. We joked about how our swings would likely be "mighty" but miss the ball, or how a drive might resemble more of a putt.
But as we drove across the road that runs through the middle of the course, the mood shifted. Out of nowhere, an older man waved his club above his head in a threatening way while another golfer offered us an equally aggressive double birdie (not the kind with a golf ball and hole on the green).
Confusion hit first:
Was that directed at us?
Then fear:
This man is coming toward the car with his club raised.
Quickly followed by anger:
How dare they interrupt my day of joy?
Before I realized it, I was swept up in the cycle—shouting, finger-wagging (an equally fierce double birdie), and reacting in ways I am not proud of.
In that moment, the ego had taken charge.
The ego is our self-preservation mechanism. It reacts quickly, defending pride, safety, and control. In some ways, it is necessary. But left unchecked, it becomes self-centered, immature, and blind to broader truths.
The true self, by contrast, is rooted in dignity, compassion, and curiosity. It is not passive or voiceless but grounded and wise. It pauses, notices, and chooses.
What I wish I had done that day:
Taken a few breaths.
Allowed confusion to ground me instead of escalate me.
Wondered about the man’s story—what led him to such anger?
Responded instead of reacting.
This moment reminded me of why I wrote my book, Cracked Open: A Journey to a Resilient and Independent Mindset.
Was it meant to expose oppressive systems?
To call out specific individuals?
Or to offer hope to those who feel unseen and undervalued?
If I am honest, it was a call to justice—for myself and for others who have endured pain because of gender, race, age, or systemic inequity.
But here is the deeper truth: at the heart of so much conflict in our country, and in our world, is the human need for belonging, worth, and value. These are not bad desires—they are essential to being human. The problem comes when the ego takes charge. Instead of dignity and connection, the ego drives us to defend, grasp, or attack in order to feel secure.
Belonging becomes about excluding others.
Worth becomes about proving ourselves.
Value becomes about power over, not power with.
When we are desperate to fill these needs from a place of ego, we forget others. We forget that every human longs for the same belonging, worth, and value. And so, the very thing we crave gets distorted into cycles of harm and division.
This is why the work of justice is not only personal but collective. It requires us to move from the ego’s defensiveness to the true self’s vision: dignity for all, love that wins, justice that restores.
This work is not easy—internally or externally. But it is possible. Here are practices that help shift us from reaction to response:
Pause before reacting. Ask: What am I feeling right now? What part of me is being triggered?
Get curious. Ask: What might be true for the other person? What story might they be carrying?
Name the choice. Ask: Do I want to react from ego, or respond from my true self?
Experiment with new behaviors. Instead of snapping back, practice calm, steady words that invite dialogue.
If I could replay that day, here are some responses I imagine:
"Wow, you look upset. What happened?"
"Please put the golf club down, and then tell me what made you so angry."
"I see this really bothered you—can you explain?"
"That’s interesting…I’ve never thought about it like that. You seem irate—are you okay?"
"I didn’t know golf came with contact sports rules. Want to talk instead of spar?"
Not passive. Not weak. Just different—grounded, curious, and maybe even disarming with a hint of humor.
When we react, the ego takes the wheel, fueled by fear and pride. When we respond, we move from the true self, rooted in strength and compassion. Responding does not diminish our power—it strengthens it.
Choosing to respond preserves our integrity, creates space for peace, and opens possibilities for change. Because, as the old saying goes, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth only leaves us eyeless and toothless.
Justice is not about silencing ourselves—it is about transforming ourselves and our communities. When we respond instead of react, we become part of a greater movement toward dignity, belonging, and love. And in the end, love wins.
