Tis the season to be jolly. And merry. And joyful.
But what happens when we are not?
Do we judge ourselves for not matching the mood in the room?
Do we silently condemn others for their lack of cheer?
Or do we slide into despair, convinced something is wrong with us because we cannot conjure up joy on command?
This time of year has a way of shining a bright light on the tension between how we think we should feel and the truth of how we actually feel. I often remind my clients, and myself, that authentic positivity is not about pretending. It is about understanding the complexity of being human. Emotions swirl together like a candy cane or one of those refrigerator-sliced cookies.
Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson names something essential about this struggle. He writes about how our brains cling to negativity like Velcro and let go of joy like cheese sliding off hot Teflon. Neuroscience confirms it. We are wired to wrap ourselves around problems, fear, and what might go wrong. We hold on to painful moments long after they have passed, and we burn enormous energy worrying about the future. By contrast, goodness and gratitude evaporate almost instantly unless we consciously hold onto them.
Hanson found that a positive thought or feeling must be held for at least fifteen seconds before it leaves any imprint on the brain.
Fifteen seconds.
That is how quickly the good slips away if we do not deliberately anchor it. This Velcro/Teflon dynamic is alive in all of us. And if you pay attention for even a day, you will see how easily your mind drifts toward the negative without any effort at all.
The good news is that our brains can change. Theologian Richard Rohr calls this deliberate practice "authentic spirituality," and neuroscience calls it "neuroplasticity." We can rewire our responses toward love, trust, and patience.
But it does not happen by accident.
It happens with intention.
In my work, I write that understanding, acknowledging, and naming our negativity bias is essential if we want to loosen its grip. Once we see it, we can choose differently. We can begin to build habits that shift us out of fear and into a more grounded, open stance.
Some simple, practical strategies include:
Practicing gratitude in real time
Naming three small things going well right now
Keeping a gratitude journal
Pausing to notice what is working instead of what is broken
Mindfulness and presence
Five slow breaths before reacting
Grounding yourself by noticing five things you can see
Allowing emotions to exist without judging them
Positive reinforcement
Celebrating small wins
Speaking kindly to yourself after a hard moment
Acknowledging effort, not perfection
Seeking out positive experiences
Spending time with people who lift you up
Getting outside for fresh air
Letting yourself enjoy something without rushing past it
Deliberately focusing on the good in people and situations
Asking, "What else might be true?"
Naming strengths instead of defaulting to flaws
Looking for signs of progress, however small
These practices are not about avoiding reality. They are about seeing the whole picture. When we challenge our own bias and beliefs, we create space to show up more authentically. We loosen the grip of fear and make room for curiosity, compassion, and connection. And when we challenge harmful messages and inherited patterns, we begin to imagine what real change could look like. Not change we accomplish alone, but change we build together, lifting each other up along the way.
This season invites us into a fuller experience of ourselves. Not a forced cheerfulness, but a grounded joy that honors the complexity of being human. A positivity rooted in truth, not denial. As we slowly retrain our minds to hold onto what is good, we expand our freedom. We widen our capacity to love and be loved. And we strengthen our ability to show up as our whole, honest selves.
That is not toxic positivity. That is spiritual work. That is growth. That is hope.
